Speechless

I attempted to speak to you
every hard earned lesson
every harsh word Iíve heard
but your ears went deaf
or my tongue went numb
and all I could do was stare at you
stare at your face
with your puzzled look and utter confusion
not speaking
just touching my tears with your fingertips
to see if they were real
as if touching them was the same
as touching some part of me
you couldnít reach or understand.

But even letting you see
this side of me,
letting you hear this hyperventilated sigh
as it escaped my lips
was too much,
it was just too much,
so I turned away
and I ran.

I ran fast and hard
I even pushed you back from me
But you followed anyway
and taking my face in your hands
you brought me close to you
while gently asking me to look into your eyes.
But some sense of shame or hurt or unbridled fear
made me cast my eyes down to the floor
where I felt I belonged...
How could I tell you those things
I think while you sleep?
How can I say that I expected you to leave me
yet when I awoke you were still there
and I donít know why?

Iím too scared to thank
God or Allah or the Great Mother
for fear of causing a jinx on my soul
and Iím all out of Coke to appease them.

So youíll have to understand
that Iím trying to believe you
when you say you love me
when I know damn well
you could have anyone.
But here you are
with me
and for once in my life
for once in my
carefully protected -
youíd better do everything yourself -
and donít you dare cry life,
Iím not alone.
No, Iím not alone
and I donít know what to say.

.

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