Get in with the in crowd…

Have you ever asked yourself what it would take to be in with the in crowd? You know, the people you want to dress like…look like…be like? It all stems from our need to be accepted, liked, and appreciated. But it's not that easy…or is it?

For me, the in crowd at school was comprised of jocks, cheerleaders, or potheads. I was lumped in with everyone else, often taunted and underappreciated for my vast array of creative gifts. Remember the old TV show, now back in fashion, Square Pegs? Picture me as Sarah Jessica Parker's character Patty or her friend Lauren. I always thought Johnny Flash was kinda cool because he did his own thing, no matter what. That was me.

So I laid low. I did my own thing. I had some friends that I hung out with but sometimes even they didn't get my jokes or like the same things I did. Was I so unusual? Would I ever fit in ANYWHERE? The answer was yes…and no.

The bar scene allowed me to meet some people I may not have otherwise. People who not only got my jokes, but sometimes laughed (pity or not, I didn't care). They read the same kinds of books I did, listened to the same kinds of music (or turned me on to new stuff), and actually listened to me. This became my in crowd. The difference about our in crowd versus the ones you don't create yourself is this: I was already "in". People on the outside looking into our crowd had a sense of awe about us, overhearing snippets of our conversations, which could range from the latest SciFi book to politics to music to sex to obscure Gary Larson references (blah, blah, blah, Ginger). If you didn't get it, any of it, you didn't last long. Not that we were in the least bit mean. We were a bunch of misfits ourselves, so many of us knew exclusion. We weren't into that.

But I digress.

Social circles change. And in order to keep up or get in, you have to be willing to change as well. I'm treading on thin ice here, so read this carefully. To best express what I mean, I'll use some examples.

The Geek:

I used to tell my underlings that you should always be nice to the geeks. Why? Because they're the ones who will end up owning companies like Microsoft; becoming world-renowned concert pianists; or horror of horrors, your boss. That and because you just should.

So how does the geek de-geek-ify? Well, geeks are usually labeled so because they are very smart and/or socially awkward. But those social stigmas, like bad SAT scores, can be overcome. (Being smart is good, just as long as you aren't a Cliff Claven type.)

Scenario: A geek is invited to attend a house party for his college graduation. While he would normally avoid such a potentially humiliating event, a semi-geek friend insists. So what does he do?

• Fashion. Don't dress like a geek (this is where the change comes in). He should at least lean toward a current yet conservative fashion trend. This will help him to blend in while not appearing geekish, or worse, freakish.
• Commonality. I would be very surprised to find he had nothing in common with anyone at the party. The trick is to find out what you have in common. If he spots a woman who sat behind him in Art Appreciation, he already knows what he has in common with her. Remembering that almost everyone is uncomfortable in some social situation, he can approach her and strike up a conversation. They can discuss (or trash) the art in the room and others are certain to join in on a lively conversation. While politics and religion are generally taboo, current events are also good ice breakers.
• People skills. If he's the guy who gets pelted with rotten fruits and vegetables, then he should have stayed home. This crowd is obviously mean-spirited and he's better off without them. However, if he's merely on the fringe of the socially acceptable, it's easy to break in by learning a simple listening skill. This skill, often referred to as Reflective Listening, is repeating what the other person just said, but using different words. This makes it clear that he's listening and understands, while not sounding like a parrot. Build on the conversation from there. And, this is very important, don't forget to make eye contact.
• Know when to leave. The old adage "leave while you're having a good time" is very true. If our geek stays longer, he'll soon find that he's no longer having fun and offering the host tips on how to get that unidentifiable stain out of the wool carpet.

The Wannabe

Everyone knows a wannabe. The wannabe is someone who's always hanging around certain groups but seems to offer no input or value. S/he is always just kinda there. This is probably most prevalent with musicians. If it's a woman, almost everyone assumes she's a groupie. But what if she's just wants to hang out and fit in?

Scenario: A woman who desperately wants to be part of a band but has no musical experience. How does she break in?

• Why? What is it about the band or the scene that's so attractive to her? Is it the excitement? Sweaty guys in leather? Fame? Fortune? Sex? Drugs? She needs to know this before anything else. Otherwise, she's just a groupie, a hanger on, a nuisance. And a nuisance generally isn't around for very long. (If she wants to be a groupie, then this doesn't apply.)
• Learn about your environment. What kind of person does she want to be? Where would that type of person hang out, perform, etc.? Check out those places to see what's so appealing. (If it's a gig, chances are the money is what's so appealing.) Once she's in a situation with the in crowd, she should observe them. What makes them different? Again, why does she want to be with them? (Musicians by nature are a bit quirky, so beware of that.)
• Take charge. If she's hanging out because she wants to become a musician, then there are a lot more steps to take. Sure, she can learn a lot about music and style (not to mention, witness some pretty amazing jam sessions) but in order to break in, she needs training. She should go to music school. Buy a teaching video. Hire a private instructor. (I'd recommend the last because it's cheaper than school, they offer individualized training, and many teachers will negotiate fees. Some even barter.) Just as she can't learn to paint by staring at the Mona Lisa, she won't become a headliner for Phish's next "We're Never Going to Tour Again Tour" by watching Phreaky Phrank tune his Les Paul.
• Contribute. She has no musical talent but still desperately wants to be in the music biz. Now what? For every musician on tour today, there are literally hundreds of people behind the scenes: roadies, technicians, booking agents, managers, and the list goes on and on. Do some reading, some research, and find out what's needed out there. If she has good organizational skills, she could become a manager or promoter. A good accountant? She could handle the band's finances. A whiz with fashion? Meet the band's new wardrobe coordinator. Don't underestimate the importance of these jobs. And most of all, don't forget to get paid.

So there you have it…just a couple of ways to break into your in crowd. There are so many types of organizations that cater to your tastes and are still very cool. You just need to find them and develop your own passion or skill. People will come to respect your contributions and hobbies (unless it's something really disgusting like collecting the decaying remains of roadkill). Above all, don't change into something you're not. Sooner, rather than later, you'll regret it.